From the moment I can remember#
I don't know when it started, but I have become accustomed to wandering. I always feel that being alone is a carefree and free-spirited attitude towards life. My indifference towards the terrible reality is a passive resistance. Because I am far away from my family, I have become accustomed to being friendly to friends around me and trying not to make enemies. However, I gradually realized that I have become more and more unfamiliar with my family. Even in the rare and short time we spend together in a year, I unconsciously say hurtful things. In front of my family, even my friendliness towards others seems to disappear.
Why is it like this?#
Since I was young, my parents only focused on making me study. I hardly had any responsibilities at home, and I even planted the seed of carefree life in my heart. I am just a consumer when it comes to family, without making any contributions. When it comes to serving my family, we are like customers in a restaurant, demanding and nitpicking about the service. The subtle influence is terrifying, and it comes from my habitual way of life. Even though I have been away from my parents for many years now and feel that I can live on my own without any problems, this habit still exists and manifests itself in the people I love. So, becoming close to me as a family member often means accepting the pain I cause, rather than enjoying my warmth.
The occurrence of change#
When I realized that I was being too harsh on my family, I tried to deliberately change this state. Even though I am not comfortable with the tedious and even nagging greetings from my family, I pretend to answer them casually and patiently discuss my life, even though they always have a limited understanding. They don't know about life in other cities or the work I do. Sometimes, they bring up the people who take care of me in our conversations, encouraging me to learn from others and showing concern about my career advancement. Their imagination of the corporate world is limited to the impression that "state-owned enterprises mean job security," which is quite pale. The emotional connection with a family member who I have a blood relationship with but haven't lived with for years can also become weak. However, the brain is a mysterious thing. It makes it difficult for us to remember unpleasant things easily, and they only resurface when deliberately retrieved.
A hurried life, like a snail's shell#
It seems that I can only feel the reality of being alive when I am busy. If I have nothing to do, I become depressed. Thinking about my current situation, it seems that my obsession with work is too strong. Why can some people immerse themselves in comics, games, and novels without distractions? But I can only live in the present reality. Silence only makes me idle and slide towards the negative aspects of life. Wasting time, watching short videos, or simply enjoying the pleasure of food, all these things in my mind are defined as "negative energy and negativity." Although I no longer believe in the extreme idea that "I must eliminate these negative energies in order to have positive energy,"
One important thing I have learned in the past year is to accept "it." I consider these behaviors used to "release stress" as part of my ups and downs. Just like Naruto must accept his dark side in order to master his power, the brightness and shadow of the sun are inseparable. Who can separate them? But, oh, me, like a snail carrying a heavy shell, crawling so slowly, crawling so hard. Others only see the bright side of me, but they don't know that it's just a facade. The changes in big cities often lag behind in small cities like mine. Their mindset is often far behind the average level of big cities. I am also a member of that version, but now I have patched myself and forcibly updated to a new version. It's so damn fragmented.
When can I relax?#
Many people talk about "leaving." Leaving one's hometown is not easy after being imprinted for more than twenty years. Can you just remove it? Can you easily leave the people you have been familiar with for so many years? Leaving one's own community and becoming a lone wolf is not an easy thing to do. Unless you have no parents, no attachments, and can let go of the past and endure loneliness. Unfortunately, the autocracy and chaos of this country make educated people feel uneasy and restless. As for the high-ranking officials, they take turns in power, but in the end, how many of them care about the life and death of ordinary people? We live like ants, but they tell us to be happy. How ridiculous.
The older generation tells us that we are already happy enough now. Of course, in the past, we couldn't even have enough food to eat. Now that we have enough to eat, how can we not be happy? The wise words from "The Book of Lord Shang" have given us Stockholm syndrome. Shouldn't we be grateful for having enough to eat? But when it's time to be cannon fodder, aren't we rushing to the front lines?
However, I don't have the ability to leave on my own. If I go out, I can only do lowly jobs. It seems like I have no choice. Life is so difficult. For someone who can't understand, it's really like playing on Hard mode.